Actually? That title is slightly misleading. It suggests that he actually *thinks* about things before he says them.
Let me give you some background info:
I have an older and a younger brother. The older one is a quiet Baptist deacon, while the younger one is an introverted hippie. I, on the other hand, am a loud mouthed smart-ass. I get this exclusively from my father. Because of this, he refers to me as his "favorite son." My brothers are unaware of this, and are, fortunately, uninterested enough in social media to EVER find this blog. The point is, my father feels that he can chat with me about many inappropriate subjects. Imagine the kinds of things discussed in a men's locker room. Now imagine talking about that shit with your Dad.
My father spent much of his life as an uptight businessman, and when he was successful enough to retire at 50, he straight up reverted back to his childhood. Well, his 20s at least.
My friends love my Dad, mostly because he will talk shit about me without even a glimmer of guilt in his eye. He tells the story of what a horrifying emotional teeny bopper I was when I met *Nsync to anyone who will listen. He also likes to make awkward references to not only my sex life, but also his own. He is my future therapist's dream.
Here are some gems:
[While watching the episode of Sex & the City where Charlotte gets crabs.]
Dad: Honey, remember that time I got crabs? YEESH- those things are ITCHY.
Mom: Please. Please hush.
Dad: No really- remember? From those dirty sheets in San Fransisco? And you had to get them out with that little comb?
Mom: *Sigh*
Me: HORRIFIED STARE
Let me give you some background info:
I have an older and a younger brother. The older one is a quiet Baptist deacon, while the younger one is an introverted hippie. I, on the other hand, am a loud mouthed smart-ass. I get this exclusively from my father. Because of this, he refers to me as his "favorite son." My brothers are unaware of this, and are, fortunately, uninterested enough in social media to EVER find this blog. The point is, my father feels that he can chat with me about many inappropriate subjects. Imagine the kinds of things discussed in a men's locker room. Now imagine talking about that shit with your Dad.
My father spent much of his life as an uptight businessman, and when he was successful enough to retire at 50, he straight up reverted back to his childhood. Well, his 20s at least.
My friends love my Dad, mostly because he will talk shit about me without even a glimmer of guilt in his eye. He tells the story of what a horrifying emotional teeny bopper I was when I met *Nsync to anyone who will listen. He also likes to make awkward references to not only my sex life, but also his own. He is my future therapist's dream.
Here are some gems:
[While watching the episode of Sex & the City where Charlotte gets crabs.]
Dad: Honey, remember that time I got crabs? YEESH- those things are ITCHY.
Mom: Please. Please hush.
Dad: No really- remember? From those dirty sheets in San Fransisco? And you had to get them out with that little comb?
Mom: *Sigh*
Me: HORRIFIED STARE
Dear God, sir. Please stop. I've never even been to San Fransisco.
Me: So, Dad...what do you want for Father's Day?
Dad: Every year that passes and you're not knocked up is really a gift in itself.
Dad: So this guy you're dating...does he play sports?
Me: Um, well yeah, I guess so.
Dad: Is he any good? Cause if I'm going to breed you, I want good athletic stock.
[That's right. My father just referred to me in terms of cattle.]
{While sitting at the renovated cabin that he just bought and fixed up]
Dad: So, Cass- Once this place is all done and I put a hot tub out here, you could come up here on a weekend just to hang by yourself and relax.
Me: Yeah, I could come up here and chill in the hot tub "alone," or you know...whatever
Dad: Ahahahaha, is she my daughter or what? Can I get a fist bump?
{To be fair, I brought this one on myself. I still was not comfortable with the thought of my Dad fist pounding the idea of me getting sexed up in a hot tub.}
Those are just a few. Stay tuned to the disturbing father/daughter version of Shit My Dad Says.
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